I have no idea

Another Wedding

2007-01-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

Here is another picture of Michael and I at a wedding, except this time it is Michael's wedding. Finally!!!

I got to meet Betsy, and she was pretty dang cool. I am not quite sure how Michael managed it.

Good luck guys!

Much Ado About Nothing

2006-04-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

Michael and I at Thomas' wedding reception in LA, February 2006.

Moving Day

2006-01-01T20:41:00.000-08:00

I moved yesterday. It is such a surreal experience. People move all of the time, and I have moved before, but this time it seems especially weird. Ok, Ok moving is always weird for me, because I do not do well with change. It is just so crazy to me that I moved away -- far away, but not very far at all.

Some day when I am awfully low, and the world seems cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you and the way you look tonight.

I suppose all we have in the end are memories, but in the moment life seems so much more tangible than just a memory.

AFL

2005-04-12T15:28:00.000-07:00

I live in some sort of weird time continuum. The days go by so slow and the evenings pass faster than I can measure. I spend 8 long hours of my day wishing I was home. Then when I get home, I leave. I go to Justin's and spend 4-5 short hours there. Then I sleep--never enough.

Never enough! Never enough sleep--never enough fun--never enough time--never enough money--never enough me. I am never enough.

. . . why I make the same mistakes over and over again

2005-03-01T15:24:00.000-08:00

Life seems so long sometimes, like any given day that is unpleasant and never wants to end. But every day ends, no matter how unpleasant.

Sorry for the melancholy, but it is all I can muster right now. I just can't figure out why I choose the same type of people over and over again. I knew I was going to get hurt, and yet I did it anyway. I knew it couldn't last, but things were going so well that somewhere along the way I think I just forgot. I just forgot about my fears. I forgot the intensity of the pain. He made me forget how bad it hurts when someone betrays you, but don't worry he reminded me again.

I had been so happy for the first time in awhile so I didn't think it could really be all that bad, but even as pessimistic as I am I didn't consider the consequences of utter disappointment in another failed relationship.

What the hell am I doing?

Two Thousand and Four

2004-12-31T19:44:00.000-08:00

Well, it is December 31, 2004, also known as New Years Eve. I am home alone and blogging, but fortunately not for long. I have plans, and we will see how they go. I am in a whole lot of pain. If I didn't hate being alone so much, I would stay home.

I was thinking the other day what a crazy year this has been. So many things have happened. I graduated with my BA, ended a two year relationship, got my first full-time job, lost fifty pounds, moved back to LA, started to hang out with my brother and sister, started a paralegal program, and some other things I can't think of right now. A little overwhelming, but oh well, it happened.

Two Years -- Five Months

2004-12-03T13:16:00.000-08:00

That's my mantra these days. I repeat it in my head over and over again. But instead of being a positive affirmation, it becomes the basis for a concourse of unfulfilling questions about a past relationship that will never be answered. My therapist asked me to think of something different to say to change the broken record, and the best I could come up with was: two years, he's a bastard--five months, he's a bastard; two years, he's a bastard--five months, he's a bastard.

Yummy, Yummy Applesauce

2004-11-22T13:21:00.000-08:00

Applesauce with Dried Cranberries
Total time: 30 min
Makes about 3 cups
2 1/4 pounds large Mcintosh apples–peeled, quartered and cored
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
Three 1-by-3 inch strips of lemon zest
½ cup sugar
½ cup sparkling apple cranberry cider
½ cup dried cranberries
In a large saucepan, bring the apples, lemon juice, lemon zest, sugar, sparkling cider and cranberries to a boil. Cover and simmer over moderately low heat until the apples soften, 20 minutes; stir to break up the apples slightly. Transfer to a bowl; discard the lemon zest. Serve warm or at room temperature.
Notes: Make ahead–the applesauce can be refrigerated for up to 1 week or frozen. When doubling the recipe you can use less sugar. Very good warm with potato pancakes.
Judy Brickman

...where I will be living next week

2004-11-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

So I've decided to move out, and I don't really want to. Not that I am especially happy where I am, but I am a little on the lazy side and don't really have the time.

I told two of my roommates last night that I am going to move, and they were surprised and at first that surprised me. But then I remembered that this is one of those situations where everyone I know--fam, friends, bishop, therapist--knows that I am upset about my living situation except for my roommates.

Joking aside, I can't believe they were totally oblivious to the fact that we hardly ever talked and hung out even less. Although, I can believe it, because I was the silent roommate and that suited them. I guess, it is at least good to know that I wasn't totally annoying. They didn't hate me. They didn't even dislike me. Things will work out and we will all forget about each other and that is the way I want it.

LA was my new start, and I haven't made much of it so far. I found an apartment, hoping for some new friends and a nice place to live, and three months later I am moving with less than I started with. I made no friends, and though they are certainly not my enemies, we were a little more than friendly acquaintances, whereas now we might not be quite that.

Why the drama? It's my style, but more than that it is another log on a fire I cannot control. It's burn is more painful than cleansing. I know what I need to do, and I know that I can do it, I just don't know if I will. That's what tears me up. I obviously haven't done it yet, and I don't know that I ever will.

The only truly unpredictable person you will ever meet is your self.

I went to Provo this weekend

2004-11-17T11:05:00.000-08:00

Drove
Played games
Had some fun
Saw lots of friends
Got sick and threw up
Went to open house
Made yummy bread
Drove more
Slept

...how to use the shift key

2004-11-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

So, the fact that my title is stupid is not quite as annoying to me as the fact that I didn't cap anything in my title. I know that design-wise it is kind of trendy sometimes, but whatever. It's only cool if you have a cool title, and I don't.

The last half hour

2004-11-05T16:51:00.000-08:00

The last half hour is always the most boring, especially on Fridays. I wish they would just let me go home. The phone has rung once in the last hour. It is Friday evening. Nobody wants to talk to their lawyer or their tax accountant on Friday evening.

This is so addicting

2004-11-04T16:58:00.000-08:00

I cannot leave this alone. I just keep wanting to write. It is so addicting. I even closed everything down and tried to do something else, but I couldn't do it--I had to come back and write something more. I have absolutely nothing to say, well that's not really true. I never have absolutely nothing to say, but I can't think of anything clever or funny. I was going to start with childhood memories, but that's not clever or funny. Then I thought that I would write about my ex and our sort-of-recent break-up, and all of a sudden my childhood became very funny and clever.

O.k., so I was 5,6,7--I don't really know for sure but something younger than ten. I was rummaging around in the basement and found this doll. I was so excited. The doll had a yellow dress, and brown curly hair--it was so pretty. She was my new favorite doll, until I looked underneath the pretty yellow dress and saw an Ivory soap bottle. Oh my gosh, I was devastated. It wasn't a real doll. It was an Ivory soap bottle with a dress on. Whoever heard of such deception? So...I tore it apart. What else was I to do? That rediculous little soap bottle was not going to deceive me or anyone else again.

Consequences: I have trust issues now--nothing (and nobody) is what it appears to be. And more seriously, my mom was sad because it was a doll that my grandmother had made.

Again, I have no idea what I am doing

2004-11-04T16:20:00.000-08:00

So, I was messing around on my friend's website and I clicked on "Comment," because I thought it would be funny to make a comment. And now I am making a comment, but I think that along the way I got lost. I haven't left my sad little desk that I work at, but I am lost.
What have I done? Is this my own little bloggy thingy? Can anyone help me?
Is my blog called "I have no idea," because that is a really stupid name, and when I typed it in I wasn't thinking it would be the name of my blog page thing, if inded, that is what this is. If anyone knows how to change this, please let me know. (By the way, I feel like I have been locked in a closet at a party, and everyone has left, except I don't know that, so I am talking to myself.)

It just goes to show you that you shouldn't talk to strangers and please, Sommer especially, don't keep clicking on buttons when you don't know what you are doing.